On monday evenings I spend about 45 mins in therapy. This week I was brought to the realisation that I am “not sick”. The first time I had an ED episode was at 15 years old. I was frail, underweight and nearly hospitalised if it was not for my family insisting that I come home and “heal” there. This time it is different. I am not frail, not underweight and a young adult.
The main reason I sought therapy in February was because, I felt I could not manage the stress of my life. I have too many worries, too much uncertainties and I saw signs of (controlling food, planning etc) coming back. Scared, worried, advised by my cousin (a doctor, who knows a little about my ED past thought with all the weightloss some neutral support would help. That was the best advice I have heard.
A year and a half ago, I weighed 82kg for 152 cm. You can do the math and know I was in the morbidly obese range. I had been that weight for about 9 years. It gradually increased after my ED (Anorexia episode) then Bulimia (no purging) combined with depression and turned into Binging. Binging went on for years hence the weight gain.
In march 2012, I was desperate to be healthy and feel confident so I called a dietitian. I went on xenical for a few months which helped speed up the weight loss. But what was most remarkable was no xenical. It only helps a little. It was the LIFESTYLE CHANGE.
I learned what the right healthy food were (not their calorie content) and how to composed my plate. Since, I am more knowledgeable in making the healthier choices. Something I was never taught or acquired through habits. My family is not very healthy. I combined this with a personal trainer at the gym and I am now in love with working out. Now that I have reached my goal weight, I have a lot on my plate. Unemployment, unfinished projects etc… Then I felt I started controlling food again.
Anyway why the title I am NOT SICK.
Because, I am NOT . So scared of being anorexic again, or bulimic or binging again. I swayed to the end of the spectrum where I think a little too much about food.In therapy I actually hate talking about food. But pressed by my therapist, it actually did a lot of good and put things into more perspective.
I am OK because …
- Yes I am careful about what types of food I’ll have: oats instead of cheerios
- Yes I exercise almost everyday but no excessively
- Yes I plan and count the calories using an app on my phone but I am not the only one
- The only person who thinks I am SICK at the moment is MYSELF
- This thought makes me ANXIOUS about what OTHERS will think if I chose an apple not a chocolate bar
- I need to be CONFIDENT about my choices, stop caring about what others will think
It sounds easier said that done as always, but unless I stop comparing myself to what is a normal behaviour I could never accept that mine is a reflection of who I am and this is my normal.
This week I shall accept my normal. I am older, wiser. I know the danger of starving myself or indulging in food. I know there is no perfect day. So I will live in my normality.