As I am working with my therapist, he has set me a challenge this week: to eat dinner prepared by my family and eat it with them. I haven’t had the occasion to do this yet. Partly because, I am still terrified, even if I know that a burger is not going to make me obese overnight and that I should trust myself and the lessons I learned to balance the next morning. Go for a run or have a salad. Still I am terrified.
My brother is visiting again and this is always a stressful time for me because it means having to eat together. I live with my mother at the moment and she has let me weigh my food, I count calories too (but she does not know). My counting calories is not obsessive actually, it is simply an app on my phone. I eat in the healthy range of 1400 calories. I count calories as part of maintaining my weight.
My mother also lets me have dinner in my bed in the evening. This is actually a very dangerous territory because when I binged in the past. It would be behind closed doors, watching a movie and gulping down food. This time it is not a binge per say because I only eat healthy food, within my calorie range. But there are emotions coming up, when it does I take a break, breathe; try to let the emotions surface. If I don’t I would binge.
Standing at the bus stop this morning, I realized that it has been a little less than two years that I have not binged. I cannot remember when I stopped. I just did. My father past away in 2011 and I moved in with my mother. Since I don’t think I binged. Living with her made me feel less lonely and bored in the evenings. But this was an unconscious transition now that I think about it.
After a few months of moving in, I asked her to help me with losing weight. We went to a dietitian, and instead of dieting we changed a lot of our eating habits. Since I have been experimenting with healthier recipies. Lots of veggies, tofu, lean meat etc…
So it has been a little less than two years. I have not gone overboard. So why am I so scared of food now.
I know that I can eat and not get fat.
I can exercise to balance it out.
I can try my best to feel emotions so that I wouldn’t revert to food (try I say)
I really just have to trust myself.
I am so scared of that a burger would send me overboard.