Yesterday evening as I sat on my therapist’s couch. I told him about my very first visit to an OA meeting. We did not have enough time to go into details but we still managed to shed some light on my experience. He asked me the reasons which lead me to step into a meeting. I had no answer. Truly I think I was just so determined to stop feeling this way that I thought going to a meeting might help. May be I was also looking for other people going through the same thing as me.
A woman shared her story and as she read it out, tears were running down my cheeks. I was the only one crying. They all seemed so strong, healed, in control. I felt as if she was reading my story. How she would restrict all day, plan food, walk into a supermarket and buy her comfort. I did that too. While at University. I did it most. After lectures I would go to a shop and buy friends: cookies, ice cream, prepared meals, chips, coke all kinds of nasty junk.
I would go home, my room or when I lived alone my living room and eat eat eat. My stomach would hurt. I would go to bed, alone, guilty and hoping tomorrow would be different. Except it wasn’t going to be.
In therapy, I realised she read my PAST not my PRESENT. I felt reassured. I am NOT in that place anymore.
Yes I think about food. I log, weigh and count the calories. I am trying to maintain my weight. I have to TRUST myself. TRUST my ability to establish a healthier relationship with food.
I must TRUST myself. I must , I must, I can.