Lonely Cannoli

Still in Sicily, my trip is coming to its end. I have not made a close friend. But I have learned some valuable lessons. I learned not to expect too much of others. I discovered that standing in front of a menu means: I do not want to eat that plate of pasta with sauce because it will make me fat and when I was fat I felt unloveable because of my physical appearance. My therapist helped me shed some light on this reaction to food. Again it is not all about food.

He asked me if I ever felt rejected by my family or close friends. I could not give him a decent answer. I am sure I have but as always I swallow my emotions when I do not want to deal with them. I am still looking for an answer to that question. I have to because I want to get better.

My last goal at the end of this trip is to have a Sicilian dish. Whether in a social setting with others or by myself. Truth is I wish I had it with a guy I met. It would be nice and I think I would actually enjoy it and find value in eating. But he does not seem interested, or actually he sent signals but he is not making any move. So I will just dream, dream of that possibility. Dream once again.

On my last night, there was a farewell dinner. I was exhausted from our working group, obsessing over I have to eat something Sicilian but how, so I took a nap before the farewell dinner.

I did not pressure myself to go, my only goal is to enjoy food on my last night. Italian food. Why? Because if I don’t I will resent myself and regret. I will regret that all the restriction will make me miss out on my experience. This was the case 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with anorexia. So many times I went to social gathering, restaurants with friends and had nothing to eat. This was no to happen this time. No way !

After my nap, I put on my prettiest dress in my suitcase. Wore heels, put make up on and headed to the farewell dinner. It was outside, dark, a buffet, they had healthy options, fruits, it was crowded. The guy I met was there, he was busy talking to someone else, they others I met and thought had built some sort of friendship were there too. But they were too busy talking to others. Uncomfortable, anxious, disappointed and alone. I had some fruit. Put my plate down. Went to the toilet to try and decide what to do next. Then left, it was too much. Too much that did not go as I had envisaged.

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