Monday 4 november
I don’t want to diet even though I dislike my reflection in the mirror. I ordered xenical again and my mother is encouraging me to lose some the weight I gained since my binge frenzy started. I do want to feel good, to look at myself and accept the way I am. The extra pound is not helping. It never did. At the same time. I do not want to diet. Not yet at least. I have this distorded understanding of what healthy is. It involves: controlling, weighing food, over exercising, cutting myself out from the world when I want to socialise because there will be food involved. I realise my definition of healthy rhymes with pain and self-destruction at the other end of the spectrum. That is my diet. I don’t want that. Not now not ever again. But I do want to lose some weight. I just feel that right now I am not strong enough too. I have the courage to face my struggle every day. When I don’t I tell myself it is worth it. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. This is a crucial time to discover myself inside and out. So reverting to dieting as a solution for my body image discomfort, I believe, at this very moment that it is not a solution.
In my fragility I am determined to eat without restriction. Two days ago I had a diet shake at lunch. It did no good to my brain or my body. The evening was a binge. See there. That is the repercusion of an attempt to diet. So instead. I won’t. I will focus on exercising regularly and eating healthy in moments of clarity. During times when I am.
This morning was the usual monday therapy. Preparing myself for mother and brother’s visit at the end of this week. I am nervous, anxious, worried. I feel I have failed them by gaining all the weight. Yet, it was out of my control. When I binge I am disconnected with what my body tells me to do. My brain orders me to buy and stock and eat while my body is in pain. My heart heavy and calls out to be listened to and my stomach just cries out for me to stop. I am not myself. No one should be just a limb or just a brain. So I try to tell myself that before I run to my fix. When I check in with my brain and tell myself that chocolate bar is not necessary. I am fighting sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. But I am fighting. So is it really my fault? In that first scenario it is difficult for me to say it is. It would also be unfair to myself.
The second scenario involves a speck of conscious irresponsibility. It is when I run to food for a hug, an embrace, comfort. There I am partly to blame. Partly because I have this ingrained inability to deal with my emotions and to plaster my wound with food. The thought lands in my head and I let it settle there while my body tells me I am feeling something. Sometimes I know the reason. Anxious about finishing a report, waiting for an e-mail about the brand. The stress gets me agitate and preoccupied with food food food. Before the thought is printed on my brain and I have no escape but to give in. I have the choice to let it overcome me or not. These windows of opportunity are rare but they are there. The past two weeks at least they have been there. The binges are spaced out , the overeating too. My life then does note become all about food. It is just an accessory, one I cannot live without but one that does not harm me. I want more days like that. Days when I struggle but I somehow come through. Little victories at a time.
Last night and this morning was the first time in week that I was able to keep food without eating it all. I took the risk last night, feeling some courage. I tested myself. A loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. Both triggers. Both drugs. Both harmful to my mind and body. At least for now. I managed not to eat it all in one go. To have some at night and some in the morning. If I was to talk about this to my so-called friends. I wonder what they would say or think. My gosh, she finds it challenging to keep an un-eaten loaf of bread in her apartment? Well yes that is it for now.
Back to the bread challenge. Instead I lived in my flat. Watching series, going to bed at a sensible time, working on my designs and looking for jobs. There was no obsession over the damn bread and peanut butter.
This morning after therapy, I felt uplifted. But only for a moment until, I had an urge to run downstairs to the shops and get a fix. What did I do? Jumped in my bed to get in touch with myself and determine what triggered the void. It was simple. I just wanted to sleep in because I had not slept all night instead when I got up I started designing. Something I did not want to do at that very moment. Funny how little even little decisions pulls me to food. I never knew that I had that habit. My judgments had been clouded by doing things to please others or to be accepted. So instead I sneaked back into bed and slept a little longer.
Now I am back from shopping for the brand and going to the gym. My trainer weighed me today. To his surprise the weight went up again. I did not expect it to go up that much. Now I am worried. But I knew why it did. I sometimes wish I could tell him. Hey by the way I binge but just because I do I do not want to give up training. I know exercising is good for me that is why I keep going. I want to change my goal though. No weight loss just keeping fit. Why no weight loss? I am not giving up on myself I just don’t think it is the right time. It would may be even work to my detriment because the cycle goes: restriction = could potentially trigger a binge later.
Tough reality. One day at a time.