I thought I did it… until

Yesterday started off well.

Gym, no calorie counting, three meals and two snacks.

No fear of food or uncontrollable cravings.

When obsessive thoughts tried to settle in my mind I chased them away by sitting there and assessing what I was feeling in the moment.

Little conversations in my head to avoid clouding my judgment and running to food for its numbing effect. I told myself that I need not to be fearful or anxious about every little thing life throws at me. Why was I so scared of myself and my life. Enough already.

Shopped then went home. No stops for food. Did not feel the need to, did not want to.

I the evening I called my mum on Skype and prayed with her. I did not want to call her. It was not the prayer that I did not want to do, it was calling her. I just did not want to talk to her last night. I had no news to say. I was feeling good about myself. But I called anyways because I had promised to call her to pray everyday.

Truth is I wish I didn’t. I can tell her I don’t want to call but a little part of her dies every time. She gets sad when I don’t and worried I won’t pray. I wish she trusted me to pray on my own which I do. Tomorrow I am going to try and tell her tell her I don’t want to call or talk to her. Tell her I can pray on my own like an adult I am. I will try not to care about what she thinks or feels.

Anyway I guess that was the trigger to my downfall. Doing something I don’t want to do leads my mind to disconnect from my body. My brain drifts off to its sweet and devilish escape. It craves food. At the time I did not know why I wanted a fix. Now as I am writing I do. I once again drove myself into a trap : doing something I did not want to just to please another.

So I binged. To end the day. I wanted a different day. One that was clean. Not perfect. I am done with seeking perfection. What is the point? I will never find it. It is not worth the pain. I just want to live. That is all.

Lesson learned: Call mom tomorrow, no lies, tell her you can and you will pray on your own and that there is no need to call her every second of every day. You are grown now.

If I don’t I will be hurt- suppress- escape —- to food

I want to and I must


5 thoughts on “I thought I did it… until

  1. Anyway, I wanted to say tha this line struck me:
    Doing something I don’t want to do leads my mind to disconnect from my body.

    I think that I’ve just learned something about myself. I know how you feel and I had similar epizodes as well. All this have-to’s and to-do’s, which are sometimes real and sometimes result of an OCD and losing perspective (you know these crazy rules that you inflicted on yourself) are causing this disconnect. When I am in this frenzy/vicious circle and when this ‘kick’ feels so good, I try to bring back perspective. Yes, it requires ENORMOUS amont of energy, but you know what – I’ve done it before and you’ve done it before! So, I am trying hard to pick up myself and tell myself: ‘Hey, you’ve been there done that… and you’ve been numb days after that… didn’t do it any good’. So, in those ‘good’ moments I would just close the fridge doors / throw away things / slam the kitchen door / go out or do something that is really GOOD for me and my soul

    Just keep reminding yourself that you’ve done good stuff already and longer you do those good practices, those habits sink in.

    This is at least what I am trying to say to myself! Love yourself!

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