I try to be aware and stay aware of my emotions. Differentiate between the real and unreal fears. While this is going on, I have to keep living. To continue on my journey. Not that of others.
Today I woke up thinking about food again. A common phenomenon when I wake up alone. Often it is because my first reaction is to escape the self-doubt, self-hatred and fear of uncertainty during these days of freedom. I never considered using a sabbatical year to start getting in touch with who I am. Away from family, Malagasy society, competitive pressure of law and move towards my creativity.
I have so much freedom now and I am always alone. Alone and aware. I have learned however that being alone and feeling alone are different. Feeling alone is harder to face. But I must because ignoring it only builds up pain that will eventually emerge. Often it manifest itself in my extreme use of food.
As often as I can, I chose to live in my reality. Instead of focusing on food and live in the clouds. When my mind drifts towards those urges I pick up a paint brush, look at photos online or simply watch a tv show. Carefully assesing whether I am numbing or distracting myself from what Is really going on. If I catch myself doing so. I would rather stop and stare. Cry, laugh, yell in my pillow. Feel.
The urges? They somehow fade away.
I recently started painting again. When I do, time stops. I never painted or drew much because I would always be to quick to judge what it looks like. I have pushed that prejudicial attitude aside and allowed self-expression. In the moment I am at peace. Food is no longer my master. I am no longer its slave.
I still ate two pain aux chocolat and a flapjack at breakfast. Then I felt guilty. Lunch was better. Now I am lying in bed. Waiting for my design class tonight.
Could this behaviour be binging?