Lighter binges

I try to be aware and stay aware of my emotions. Differentiate between the real and unreal fears. While this is going on, I have to keep living. To continue on my journey. Not that of others.

Today I woke up thinking about food again. A common phenomenon when I wake up alone. Often it is because my first reaction is to escape the self-doubt, self-hatred and fear of uncertainty during these days of freedom. I never considered using a sabbatical year to start getting in touch with who I am. Away from family, Malagasy society, competitive pressure of law and move towards my creativity.

I have so much freedom now and I am always alone. Alone and aware. I have learned however that being alone and feeling alone are different. Feeling alone is harder to face. But I must because ignoring it only builds up pain that will eventually emerge. Often it manifest itself in my extreme use of food.

As often as I can, I chose to live in my reality. Instead of focusing on food and live in the clouds. When my mind drifts towards those urges I pick up a paint brush, look at photos online or simply watch a tv show. Carefully assesing whether I am numbing or distracting myself from what Is really going on. If I catch myself doing so. I would rather stop and stare. Cry, laugh, yell in my pillow. Feel.
The urges? They somehow fade away.

I recently started painting again. When I do, time stops. I never painted or drew much because I would always be to quick to judge what it looks like. I have pushed that prejudicial attitude aside and allowed self-expression. In the moment I am at peace. Food is no longer my master. I am no longer its slave.

I still ate two pain aux chocolat and a flapjack at breakfast. Then I felt guilty. Lunch was better. Now I am lying in bed. Waiting for my design class tonight.

Could this behaviour be binging?


2 thoughts on “Lighter binges

  1. ”During binges, a person rapidly consumes an excessive amount of food.”
    ”Binge eating is a pattern of disordered eating which consists of episodes of uncontrollable eating.”

    However I do know whilst inpatient and working with my psychologist they have said that a binge can be anything from an apple to 6 large pizza’s and it’s individual to the person, if they feel like a slice of toast was eaten through lack of control and they genuinely felt they over ate, she would accept that to be classed as a binge. However some professionals would be pretty close minded and laugh it off and say that a binge IS consuming an excessive amount of food.

    I do want to say that I think the way you think about it is both good and bad, you’re taking steps to not let it effect you in a really negative way also acknowledging you feel that way whilst waking up alone is amazing! I do think you’re looking too far into it though, as if every behaviour has to be somewhat eating disordered, which isn’t a bad thing, I just feel for you.

    Put it this way, people without ED’s will wake up sometimes and be like ” Ya know what! I’ma have a god damn slice of cake for breakfast” and that’s totally okay with them and others would laugh at it and praise the YOLO ( sorry not sorry :p) approach to life! So just try maybe see it as a ”maybe I’m just learning that sometimes I can just do ”normal” food acceptance things”

    I know I don’t know you and I haven’t seen the rest of your blog and you’re probably like ”who is this freak randomly commenting on my post” but it kind of gave me a little lift to see someone really articulating their feeling so well as it’s something I do but with more of the negatives.
    Also Its nice to see you have a creative hobby 🙂
    Feel free to completely ignore this if it made zero sense, I have a tendency to babble.

    • Hello there

      Don’t worry about it. I really appreciate your comment.
      I have been working with my therapist for years now. Going through anorexia then Bulimia. Then a bingeing habit that I thought was completely normal. Normal to eat until my stomach was so full it hurt. Feeling hung over and starting the cycle again the next day.
      Lately through therapy, I am slowly learning to piece my behaviour out. Address the root causes of my terrible relationship with food.
      Since a week, I moved to a new city, emerged myself completely into fashion design. An interest in the past but I was caught up in being a lawyer and making others proud of myself that I was so unhappy. This is where another episode started and I came back into therapy.
      Now the urges are still there. I am fighting them off adopting healthier coping mechanism. But I still slide in the cookie, and muffins. So that is where my question really lies. Is whether that is a binge. I think it is more overeating. Truth is whatever it might be. It is less than buying a ton of food taking it to my room and start the self-abuse.

      Again thank you for your comment.This is what blogging (for me) is for.

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