I made it through an evening

When I started therapy I thought that at some point I would be completely free from the desire to use food as a source of comfort. It turns out, it is not all that easy.

Yesterday, I spent the day at work waiting for feedback on my last task. Nothing came. I started doubting my work, thinking : it must be crap, that is why I have not heard anything. It turns out my reviewer was simply too busy. I asked her for an update.

In the evening I wanted to do something for myself. When I arrived home, I grabbed my dog’s collar and the dog with it and headed for the beach. It was not crowded, just the way I like it. My dog did not behave well though. He is in heat again so it was difficult to manage him. He ran after a labrador, then a border collie and would not leave the collie alone. So I had to leash my dog. I felt a little disappointed because he was so good a few days ago. I guess it was not his fault. Just hormones. That said, I called the vet earlier this week for a chemical castration and scheduled an appointment already. This is to see if my dog’s behaviour improves. I really hope so.

Well, apart from my dog obsessed with sniffing other people’s dogs. It was a fun evening. I felt some triggers to reach for food as comfort and sleep it off but I stayed strong. The reason why I wanted to use food again was because I felt lonely. At the beach I embraced the vastness of the water, its calming sound and the fact that at anytime I can come here and regroup. That walk somewhat stabilised and strenghtened me.

I sometimes dream that one day I will go the beach and walk my dog while holding someone else’s hand. You know, someone I love and who would love me back. I have not found him and he has not found me. This makes me sad sometimes. I tell myself I just have to be patient. I will not put my life on hold and focus on something I cannot control, I have done that before. It has not worked. I will enjoy my life and surely we will cross paths.

In the meantime, there will be more beach walks on my own with my furry bestie.




4 thoughts on “I made it through an evening

  1. Maybe you need to learn to love yourself first. The person will come. Till then, care for yourself. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t think about it. I know it’s not easy, but you can choose being gloomy about it or you choose to look forward happily. Hang out with friends. Read some books… Don’t let the world frustrate you.

    Best wishes!

    • Thanks for your comment. Indeed it is not just a “may be”, for sure I need to love myself. But it is not easy. I am convinced like every person is unique, every life journey is unique too, for me, it takes years to come to a place of acceptance. It is not as if I can wake up one day or everyday and say I am going to love myself it is not enough. It has to sink in. I have to feel it and truly know that I am loved by no one other than myself because I am worthy. The world does not frustrate me. I am ok with it being whatever it does. I only focus on my happiness and enjoying the moments I have and make them better everyday. Oh welcome to my blog btw. 🙂

      • That’s good to hear 🙂 I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder myself and I’m in the middle of recovery. So I know the daily struggles you’ve been writing about. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to write me an e-mail!

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