Cried in the shower last night after zumba because I prayed, begged God to lift the curse. The curse of my obesity. My self hatred.
In the zumba class I stared at myself straight in the mirror. I thought I was strong enough. But I was not. The scars of my eating disorder was staring back at me straight in the face. Then I noticed my arms, stomach, legs, calves. Calves that my mother once compared to baobab trees. At the time I laughed lightly. But now I realise how hurtful that comment was.
This morning still emotional, I keep praying that this curse be lifted.
I wondered how God could allow someone he loves so much to be in this much pain. For so long.
My earliest memory of me hating my body is around 10 or 11. My earliest memory of me loving my body is never. I don’t love it, I never truly have. May be a few times when I was in my episodes of restricting. But I would not call that loving my body because at those times I was dellusional. Unaware of how obsessive and unhealthy I was. These days, I can only accept my body because I have no other choice. Unlike Gregor Samsa in Kafka’s novel I cannot wake up tomorrow in a whole different shape. For him it was a giant bug for me I just want to be at a healthy weight and still keep my sanity.
So there I have it in writing. My selfhatred that has been haunting me since last night. This is exactly why I never owned a full lenght mirror.
It’s been a while. I feel better. I went on with life trying to stay positive everyday and taking some time to feel when I need to. I cried a bunch. There was pain there. Anger too. Not sure why but it’s out now.
I have not spoken to my therapist in one month. The first two weeks were the hardest. I took a break from humanity too so that did not help because I was battling with self hate and my break from people gave me no distractions.
I then pulled myself out of that darkness. Faced my fears and tears and now I feel better.
I like the simplicity of my life. I do pray for more. Now I know anything is possible with God. So I pray for the impossible and trust on his divine favor.
When I was in my two weeks of darkness I also worried a lot about meeting the right person. God gave me this to ponder on and adopt: “child like faith.”
I have no clue where my soulmate is or who he is but I am told to have a child like faith.
A faith that does not doubt. So I am being faithful.
So far in my journey, one way of learning to love myself is by taking care of myself. As I move past my unhealthy habits of getting down on myself and beating myself up through, for example, misusing food and exercise.
Exercise has been one of the toughest habits to implement. I have yet to have a healthy understanding and acceptance of it because I use to abuse of it. I used exercise not as a way of staying fit and being healthy but to loose weight faster even at my lowest point.
Eventually I understood that the goal is to move. But since even walking is challenging when I am self conscious even getting 10 mins of walking a day can be very difficult.
Last week I braved walking into the gymn. I had suspended my subscription for two months and tried to get out of my contract but I couldn’t. I have this contract until september so I decided to make use of it.
I went to the gymn for 40 mins on saturday. It was not physically straining but definitely mentally taxing. I always want immediate results, then I am reminded of how heavy I am, how much I should loose. All the “shoulds” come back.
At least now I know the gymn is really not for me, at least not for now. I cannot even learn to like it. I have discovered Zumba though. I might give that another try once my gymn subscription is over. Until then I will brave the gymn when I want to. No pressure.
The struggle is real. When the world is caving in on me, I sometimes need a break to regroup. It has been about one month. While I regroup, at times I slip into a darker place where I have to face my unwanted emotions, mostly sadness. Other times I feel grounded, myself. This usually happens after I have faced sadness and pulled myself out into a lighter space. I really have to listen to what I want to be doing. Movie night ? A walk ? Cooking (yes cooking !) ? Sewing ? Reading ? Dancing in my appartment ? I then feel alive. Like a prisoner who had to face her worst enemy by doing something good for herself.
Weird right ?
Basically when I am in the selfloathing, self hating place, I have to tangibly and actively show myself that I am worth my love.
I used to believe that if I was skinny then I would finally feel whole and happy. That I would be loved. Only when I reach perfection then I would deserve to be loved.
I could not be more wrong.
When I turned 27, a year ago, I finally decided to not diet again. My health does not require it even though I am slightly overweight. I want it to happen naturally because when food is my focus I lose sight of life. Food is my drug and unlike other types of drugs, I have to learn to co-exist with it.
So no more diet. No more trendy detox. No more fad diet and not just this summer but forever, I hope. I am healing my relationship with food.