Triggers dissipate

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Since my last post my triggers have lessened. When I reflect on my past with ED, I realise every time how far I have come. Especially mentally. Physically, I am still overweight for my height and I need to start exercising. Mentally however, I am more aware and relatively accepting of who I am. So even when there are bad days it becomes somewhat easier and quicker to bounce back to my one and only objective. Accept life’s challenges and enjoy life’s repetitiveness and spontaneity.

Last week and this week triggers decreased without me really constantly focusing on them. I just went about my days and included treats in my routine. Not edible treats but experiences. On my own: cinema, walking in the park, at the beach with my dog and with others: cocktails with a good friend and Thai food with nice colleagues. I also worked on my jewelry making, that always draws me back to a more balanced state with a grounded sense of self.

I have also decided that I will be sharing tips on my “me times” because I started experimenting with using natural beauty products and to encourage others who are recovering from, living with ED, BED, self-esteem issues, body confidence to take the time to care for YOU without resorting to the good old frenemy FOOD. You can find these tips on the category “natural care”.

Take care !

xoxoxo

I.

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Rain

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When London rains, I reconnect with the city. The double decker buses shine their devilish red just enough below the gloomy skies. The sounds of rain drops camouflage the urban noises that sometimes clouds even the clearest summer days. Everything slows down for a breath of life. The city finds its right pace.

London was designed for its rain. They compliment each other like a dress that fits perfectly on the right silhouette. Without these tears from heaven the city  has no soul, it is out of control. Red bricks clash with the grey concrete of all too many street, too busy, too much, too harsh.

I am relieved that it rained today. I have gone two days without a binge and one overeating. The past two days I drew, collaged, paid bills looked for a new appartment and drew some more. I felt alive again. Those were sunny unfamiliar days. Thoughts did not consume me. I was shining inside. The rain drew me closer to the world. It made me want to get out of my bubble with enough safety that I could belong just for a moment in London. But I didn’t instead I used it as an excuse to stay inside one more day.

This morning it became more challenging to move past the anxiety and worries. I have not binged or overeaten. But  I need some space. Time to contemplate. I wanted to go out view some appartments and pay more bills but deep down I do not feel motivated. So when it started raining, there I found yet another excuse to stay in.

I loved the rain more from inside my appartment.

So here I am admiring the city under its rain drops trying to stitch my mind and body so that it does not tear apart and crave for an escape because of unresolved real and unreal conflicts that I deliberately ignored.

There lies the struggles today

Izaotee

I want to seal the can of worms

Since my loss of control I have made every effort for it to count for something. I let myself feel. I try every day to lessen the disconnection between my mind and my body. When I feel whole, I am content. At peace inside. Though I look fat and weigh too much for my frame. I do not feel fat. I just accept what has become of me. Telling myself it is only temporary and the priority now is to have a healthier mind.

Working towards a healthier mind. Feeling, sitting with my emotions and letting thoughts and fears be just that is exhausting. It consumes my energy sometimes but it seems to be necessary. When I do I need not to run to comfort and escape. I don’t need to be numbed.

I wish I had the ability and sense to face reality: pain, joy, sadness, stress in a stable way. I wish I never pushed them and locked them in a box inside me. At least I have learned the lesson now. It seems endless at the moment. I fear I will never get out of it. I will be obese again. I will keep drowning.

Battling not to escape or be dictated by new and unresolved emotions everyday has been tumultuous and unsettling. I am constantly training my mind not to give into my addiction and when it drifts towards food, I have to pull it back to the present. When I don’t.  I binge.

I am sure many of you have experienced this before. I admire you for powering through it because today I wish I could seal the can of worms tight. So tight it will never pop open again. But I know the mature and healthier way is to deal with it. So today I choose to deal even with the sliver of energy I have left.

No binge day

20 th of september about two months ago I fell out of control. My eating that is. I hate the word binge. But that is what it was. I put on 20 kg since. Unbelievable my trainer at the gym says. If only he knew the truth he would understand. I don’t tell. If I do, i’ll only feel exposed, judged. I know this because when I did long ago that is exactly how I felt. This is my struggle, a part of who I am that I want to change. Food will not enslave me.

Anyway yesterday I did not restrict or binge. It is always somehow easier during the day. At night is the worst. After an attempt at a balanced dinner. Rice, fish and cauliflower. I rummaged through my kitchen looking for a fix. I don’t keep food in my apartment anymore. At least not for now. Until i am a little stronger. Then I stopped. Couldn’t fall asleep. Started drawing. My back hurt. It was so painful. I knew it was all the feelings and anxiety calling out for attention. So instead of numbing it with food I gave it the attention it wanted. I felt lonely. Though i knew I wasn’t alone. Worthless. Wondering why the guys I met who seemed interested in me never wanted to spend more time with me. Was it because I wasn’t pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough? What was it? I then fell asleep listening to music.
I don’t have the answers to those question. I didn’t tell myself that I am better than that or beauty is within me. I just let it be. Too tired to self hate I fell asleep.

I know I have other qualities. Being the thinnest person in the room will not enhance them. My quest and desire for a perfect body is not a solution. I have to learn to be proud of myself sometimes.

A little victory — no binge
Phewww

I thought I did it… until

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Yesterday started off well.

Gym, no calorie counting, three meals and two snacks.

No fear of food or uncontrollable cravings.

When obsessive thoughts tried to settle in my mind I chased them away by sitting there and assessing what I was feeling in the moment.

Little conversations in my head to avoid clouding my judgment and running to food for its numbing effect. I told myself that I need not to be fearful or anxious about every little thing life throws at me. Why was I so scared of myself and my life. Enough already.

Shopped then went home. No stops for food. Did not feel the need to, did not want to.

I the evening I called my mum on Skype and prayed with her. I did not want to call her. It was not the prayer that I did not want to do, it was calling her. I just did not want to talk to her last night. I had no news to say. I was feeling good about myself. But I called anyways because I had promised to call her to pray everyday.

Truth is I wish I didn’t. I can tell her I don’t want to call but a little part of her dies every time. She gets sad when I don’t and worried I won’t pray. I wish she trusted me to pray on my own which I do. Tomorrow I am going to try and tell her tell her I don’t want to call or talk to her. Tell her I can pray on my own like an adult I am. I will try not to care about what she thinks or feels.

Anyway I guess that was the trigger to my downfall. Doing something I don’t want to do leads my mind to disconnect from my body. My brain drifts off to its sweet and devilish escape. It craves food. At the time I did not know why I wanted a fix. Now as I am writing I do. I once again drove myself into a trap : doing something I did not want to just to please another.

So I binged. To end the day. I wanted a different day. One that was clean. Not perfect. I am done with seeking perfection. What is the point? I will never find it. It is not worth the pain. I just want to live. That is all.

Lesson learned: Call mom tomorrow, no lies, tell her you can and you will pray on your own and that there is no need to call her every second of every day. You are grown now.

If I don’t I will be hurt- suppress- escape —- to food

I want to and I must

F for Fat not Fine

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It began at 2 am.
Could not sleep.
First thought Food. Obsession settles in again.
I tried to stay in bed, read, listen to music, watch a movie.
My back hurt from all the anxiety. The only place I felt comfortable was on the floor of my living room wrapped up in a bed cover.
I felt pain, sadness and fear trying to find a way out of me. I could not pin point what caused it.
Felt alone, missed my dad and was worried about people’s criticisms when they see me during my trip home at the end of the month.

Ashamed
20 kg in one month. I only accountable to myself I know. `Right now I feel I failed.
Failed ;myself for bingeing and not finding the willpower to fight it.
I try really hard and end up doing the most random things.
After I curled up on the floor. I went back to my bed and listened to music.
It only relieved the pain temporarily. I felt tears running down my face. What the heck was happening. I had no idea I had so much hurt cocooned inside of me. I just let it be. Laid there crying. Sat there crying. Pathetic? Who cares. I couldn’t careless. I needed those moments last night. Why? I still don’t know.

Staring to escape
Still sleepless. I ended up watching cars drive by my window. I enjoy observing things, people, cars, birds. Staring out there in an empty space. I like the idea that I can see them and they have no clue I am watching. Sounds creepy? I have no intention to hurt. I enjoy because I am sheltered from their thoughts and judgments, real or unreal. I just watch no criticisms or prejudice of whoever passes by. There by my window I stayed. Tears were still running down my cheeks.
I stayed there, as if I found a moment of peace until the urges came back again. It pulled me to a loaf of bread, a chocolate bar.

Exhausted from the fight
I am fighting. Constantly. Sometimes I just want to give up. Right now I do.
I can if I want to but I don’t want to entirely. I don’t want to wasted my life in a centre or begging for help to my family. It will only worsen whatever is happening.

I am not Fine and I feel Fat. I am> Overweight now. I am> trying to be in touch with my feelings. I want > out. I have had enough of Food taking control over my life.
I want out. An ending to this Binge.

Out of my hiding place

Don’t want to hide, lie or suppress feelings anymore.

I want to express myself and learn to communicate.

I am rebelling against who I thought I should be.

Pushing away the real and unreal pressures.

A new person? No. The same being, simply out in the open.

Out of my hiding place. Why? Because I feel better when I assert myself and talk things over with the two most important figures in my life now: my mother and oldest brother. It is as if a load lifts off my shoulder.