When London rains, I reconnect with the city. The double decker buses shine their devilish red just enough below the gloomy skies. The sounds of rain drops camouflage the urban noises that sometimes clouds even the clearest summer days. Everything slows down for a breath of life. The city finds its right pace.
London was designed for its rain. They compliment each other like a dress that fits perfectly on the right silhouette. Without these tears from heaven the city has no soul, it is out of control. Red bricks clash with the grey concrete of all too many street, too busy, too much, too harsh.
I am relieved that it rained today. I have gone two days without a binge and one overeating. The past two days I drew, collaged, paid bills looked for a new appartment and drew some more. I felt alive again. Those were sunny unfamiliar days. Thoughts did not consume me. I was shining inside. The rain drew me closer to the world. It made me want to get out of my bubble with enough safety that I could belong just for a moment in London. But I didn’t instead I used it as an excuse to stay inside one more day.
This morning it became more challenging to move past the anxiety and worries. I have not binged or overeaten. But I need some space. Time to contemplate. I wanted to go out view some appartments and pay more bills but deep down I do not feel motivated. So when it started raining, there I found yet another excuse to stay in.
I loved the rain more from inside my appartment.
So here I am admiring the city under its rain drops trying to stitch my mind and body so that it does not tear apart and crave for an escape because of unresolved real and unreal conflicts that I deliberately ignored.
Since my loss of control I have made every effort for it to count for something. I let myself feel. I try every day to lessen the disconnection between my mind and my body. When I feel whole, I am content. At peace inside. Though I look fat and weigh too much for my frame. I do not feel fat. I just accept what has become of me. Telling myself it is only temporary and the priority now is to have a healthier mind.
Working towards a healthier mind. Feeling, sitting with my emotions and letting thoughts and fears be just that is exhausting. It consumes my energy sometimes but it seems to be necessary. When I do I need not to run to comfort and escape. I don’t need to be numbed.
I wish I had the ability and sense to face reality: pain, joy, sadness, stress in a stable way. I wish I never pushed them and locked them in a box inside me. At least I have learned the lesson now. It seems endless at the moment. I fear I will never get out of it. I will be obese again. I will keep drowning.
Battling not to escape or be dictated by new and unresolved emotions everyday has been tumultuous and unsettling. I am constantly training my mind not to give into my addiction and when it drifts towards food, I have to pull it back to the present. When I don’t. I binge.
I am sure many of you have experienced this before. I admire you for powering through it because today I wish I could seal the can of worms tight. So tight it will never pop open again. But I know the mature and healthier way is to deal with it. So today I choose to deal even with the sliver of energy I have left.