To my eating disorder … Go away !

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If only I could tell it to just leave. Leave forever and never come back. Don’t linger here thinking you will get a hold of me again.

This morning I had to get my yearly referral for my psychologist. New GP. So I had to explain my story all over again. Where do I even start? When I was 14/15 bla bla bla bla.

Of course she has my file but I still have to explain. So the waterworks started. Memories are back. Feelings are here. I am 28 now and I still cry when I have to re-open the wound of my eating disorder. Quite frankly, I want it gone. Everyday I struggle. When I make it to bed without having restricted, purged or binged. It is my victory.

Lately there have been more victories. I love that. I love my life and I am liking myself. Hey ! I am not all that bad.

I am here to vent. I need to vent. I need to tell eating disorder voices to go away. Leave ! you have no audience in my head and there is no space left for you in my life.

You all know it is not as simple as that. Even so, today I am victorious again.

xoxox

i.

I want to seal the can of worms

Since my loss of control I have made every effort for it to count for something. I let myself feel. I try every day to lessen the disconnection between my mind and my body. When I feel whole, I am content. At peace inside. Though I look fat and weigh too much for my frame. I do not feel fat. I just accept what has become of me. Telling myself it is only temporary and the priority now is to have a healthier mind.

Working towards a healthier mind. Feeling, sitting with my emotions and letting thoughts and fears be just that is exhausting. It consumes my energy sometimes but it seems to be necessary. When I do I need not to run to comfort and escape. I don’t need to be numbed.

I wish I had the ability and sense to face reality: pain, joy, sadness, stress in a stable way. I wish I never pushed them and locked them in a box inside me. At least I have learned the lesson now. It seems endless at the moment. I fear I will never get out of it. I will be obese again. I will keep drowning.

Battling not to escape or be dictated by new and unresolved emotions everyday has been tumultuous and unsettling. I am constantly training my mind not to give into my addiction and when it drifts towards food, I have to pull it back to the present. When I don’t.  I binge.

I am sure many of you have experienced this before. I admire you for powering through it because today I wish I could seal the can of worms tight. So tight it will never pop open again. But I know the mature and healthier way is to deal with it. So today I choose to deal even with the sliver of energy I have left.

Fell again

I thought i started the week fine until i binged again last night. Here is post binge attempt at eating and not restricting

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I did not have the strength to go through the details until now.

I had two good days.
Sat with my feelings when urges came around. It was a difficult and painful process. Undoubtedly worth it as my eating was in check. Food was simply an essential life accessory. I was not overeating or undereating .

Then I slipped and fell.
I was exhausted from all the self psychoanalysis. Caught in a moment of vulnerability, I binged.
I did not want to sulk in self-pity or shame for the rest of the week. So after overcoming my hesitations and embarrassment, I called my therapist. Seeking a little support, some clarity. We talked things over.

Now?
I am trying to focus on picking myself up. I had the willpower and strength before. I can do it again.

Strength ! I shall find you now.


A tiny victory
however a few weeks ago I was in a state of constantly numbing myself with food. Completely escaping the responsibilities of dealing with my ghosts.

No binge day

20 th of september about two months ago I fell out of control. My eating that is. I hate the word binge. But that is what it was. I put on 20 kg since. Unbelievable my trainer at the gym says. If only he knew the truth he would understand. I don’t tell. If I do, i’ll only feel exposed, judged. I know this because when I did long ago that is exactly how I felt. This is my struggle, a part of who I am that I want to change. Food will not enslave me.

Anyway yesterday I did not restrict or binge. It is always somehow easier during the day. At night is the worst. After an attempt at a balanced dinner. Rice, fish and cauliflower. I rummaged through my kitchen looking for a fix. I don’t keep food in my apartment anymore. At least not for now. Until i am a little stronger. Then I stopped. Couldn’t fall asleep. Started drawing. My back hurt. It was so painful. I knew it was all the feelings and anxiety calling out for attention. So instead of numbing it with food I gave it the attention it wanted. I felt lonely. Though i knew I wasn’t alone. Worthless. Wondering why the guys I met who seemed interested in me never wanted to spend more time with me. Was it because I wasn’t pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough? What was it? I then fell asleep listening to music.
I don’t have the answers to those question. I didn’t tell myself that I am better than that or beauty is within me. I just let it be. Too tired to self hate I fell asleep.

I know I have other qualities. Being the thinnest person in the room will not enhance them. My quest and desire for a perfect body is not a solution. I have to learn to be proud of myself sometimes.

A little victory — no binge
Phewww

Dear Dad

Dad left this world about two years ago
He is amongst the angels
Here are words I wish I had said
Everyday I miss him

Good morning Dad
I decided to write letters to you even if you are gone. Let me first confess that I always wanted to write on your birthdays, father’s day, christmas and so many other days while you were alive. I bought cards, just for you. I still have them. Never sent them. Not because I do not love you, simply because we don’t really do that in our family. We never show emotions. When we do, we brush it off. Dismiss it. I have grown accustomed to that. I don’t know how you, mum, and brothers do it. It turns out that I am more emotional than I portray. I kept them in all these years. Sadness, happiness, anger, all kinds of feelings. Suppressed, jammed down, hidden deep down. What do you know. They want out. Always wanted a way out. I realise now that this is one cause of my addiction to food.

Just this morning I thought about flapjacks, starbucks cinnamon rolls and pumpkin spice lattes. Indulging myself, seeking comfort. Using the idea of going to a cafe to write and people watch as an excuse to eat. It’s a cold and grey morning. Truth is I would rather stay in bed than get up and sit at a cafe. I would just to satisfy my addiction. Instead. I stared at my exploding body in the mirror. I didn’t hate it. I missed my old body. The fit, thin one. These thoughts are once again an attempt to escape. When, the fact is that I missed you. My heart wanted to drift away from my brain. Old habits die hard. I learned from the past and instead of giving in. I stayed in my apartment to write this letter. I miss you everyday. It is not the food or the self-hate that creates this disconnection between my body and mind. The real thoughts and feelings were about you not the cakes, cookies or chocolates. They were about How one day you were here, still joking with me. Welcoming me when I arrived home. The next you were weak. So weak and tired. No one even noticed. I did. I mentioned it to Daniel, brother who loves you so much. You died in his arms, I wish they were mine. He said it was the medicine that caused your fatigue. We should not have travelled that day. I wish I listened to my gut feeling and insisted on taking you to the hospital. I cannot turn back time now. Mum says it was your time to go. To leave this world. Even if we took you earlier to the hospital you would have left us anyway. She says what God does is right. We just have to accept it. But did God ever thought about how your absence would be so painful. Dad I miss you. May be mum is right, we all die some day right. I just wish I had gone first if it hurts this much.
Dad I don’t want to binge anymore. I don’t want to abuse my body anymore. It is tired and so is my mind.

I miss you
Love

I thought I did it… until

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Yesterday started off well.

Gym, no calorie counting, three meals and two snacks.

No fear of food or uncontrollable cravings.

When obsessive thoughts tried to settle in my mind I chased them away by sitting there and assessing what I was feeling in the moment.

Little conversations in my head to avoid clouding my judgment and running to food for its numbing effect. I told myself that I need not to be fearful or anxious about every little thing life throws at me. Why was I so scared of myself and my life. Enough already.

Shopped then went home. No stops for food. Did not feel the need to, did not want to.

I the evening I called my mum on Skype and prayed with her. I did not want to call her. It was not the prayer that I did not want to do, it was calling her. I just did not want to talk to her last night. I had no news to say. I was feeling good about myself. But I called anyways because I had promised to call her to pray everyday.

Truth is I wish I didn’t. I can tell her I don’t want to call but a little part of her dies every time. She gets sad when I don’t and worried I won’t pray. I wish she trusted me to pray on my own which I do. Tomorrow I am going to try and tell her tell her I don’t want to call or talk to her. Tell her I can pray on my own like an adult I am. I will try not to care about what she thinks or feels.

Anyway I guess that was the trigger to my downfall. Doing something I don’t want to do leads my mind to disconnect from my body. My brain drifts off to its sweet and devilish escape. It craves food. At the time I did not know why I wanted a fix. Now as I am writing I do. I once again drove myself into a trap : doing something I did not want to just to please another.

So I binged. To end the day. I wanted a different day. One that was clean. Not perfect. I am done with seeking perfection. What is the point? I will never find it. It is not worth the pain. I just want to live. That is all.

Lesson learned: Call mom tomorrow, no lies, tell her you can and you will pray on your own and that there is no need to call her every second of every day. You are grown now.

If I don’t I will be hurt- suppress- escape —- to food

I want to and I must

F for Fat not Fine

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It began at 2 am.
Could not sleep.
First thought Food. Obsession settles in again.
I tried to stay in bed, read, listen to music, watch a movie.
My back hurt from all the anxiety. The only place I felt comfortable was on the floor of my living room wrapped up in a bed cover.
I felt pain, sadness and fear trying to find a way out of me. I could not pin point what caused it.
Felt alone, missed my dad and was worried about people’s criticisms when they see me during my trip home at the end of the month.

Ashamed
20 kg in one month. I only accountable to myself I know. `Right now I feel I failed.
Failed ;myself for bingeing and not finding the willpower to fight it.
I try really hard and end up doing the most random things.
After I curled up on the floor. I went back to my bed and listened to music.
It only relieved the pain temporarily. I felt tears running down my face. What the heck was happening. I had no idea I had so much hurt cocooned inside of me. I just let it be. Laid there crying. Sat there crying. Pathetic? Who cares. I couldn’t careless. I needed those moments last night. Why? I still don’t know.

Staring to escape
Still sleepless. I ended up watching cars drive by my window. I enjoy observing things, people, cars, birds. Staring out there in an empty space. I like the idea that I can see them and they have no clue I am watching. Sounds creepy? I have no intention to hurt. I enjoy because I am sheltered from their thoughts and judgments, real or unreal. I just watch no criticisms or prejudice of whoever passes by. There by my window I stayed. Tears were still running down my cheeks.
I stayed there, as if I found a moment of peace until the urges came back again. It pulled me to a loaf of bread, a chocolate bar.

Exhausted from the fight
I am fighting. Constantly. Sometimes I just want to give up. Right now I do.
I can if I want to but I don’t want to entirely. I don’t want to wasted my life in a centre or begging for help to my family. It will only worsen whatever is happening.

I am not Fine and I feel Fat. I am> Overweight now. I am> trying to be in touch with my feelings. I want > out. I have had enough of Food taking control over my life.
I want out. An ending to this Binge.