Lost in the illusion of being alright

I have been lying to myself. Taking unnecessary medicines. Hallucinating on an illness that is far from being physical. A call for attention. A self imposed challenge out of desperation. Most times I wonder why I hurt. Whether I have the right to feel sad. To complain.

Still struggling with the ability to find the balance between an intellectual and emotional intelligence. Feeling as if I have lost all competence of rationalising. Blinded by created and unreal happiness. I have forged relationships. Ones based on friendship or so they say. One deviating towards a cocktail of sentiments.

Lost in waves of feel good motions and regrets. Knowingly aware of irresponsible decisions. Still making them.Paranoid by their possible repercussions. Before God and family. Wondering whether I should be selfish for once and put myself first. Assert my wants and needs.

A few months ago. While working amongst lawyers and judges another world to which I belong. I wanted an escape from my perfectionist and controlling self. Thinking of a venture filled and dominated by mistakes. Of accountability and repercussions. A sabbatical year fits with my objectives. I would create a time filled with freedom and responsibilities. Learning to juggle and prioritise on my own if none else would teach.

I wanted to make mistakes. To shake up the status quo. Live a little. They say negativity, loss of control and mistakes are challenges a lifetime must meet. Endure. Let go and learn from. In tune. I moved back home. Where I feel secure. Now I feel exposed. Judged. Creating a life of judgment.

Terrified of what might and could happen. As I am conscious of the different turn my life has taken. I wonder how far I can go. I am willing to go. Whether I want to leave my lawyerly life and embrace home and all the freedom it allows.

My instinct tell me it is only alright for a short while.

I decide to keep indulging until my hour is up.

izaoty

 

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No binge day

20 th of september about two months ago I fell out of control. My eating that is. I hate the word binge. But that is what it was. I put on 20 kg since. Unbelievable my trainer at the gym says. If only he knew the truth he would understand. I don’t tell. If I do, i’ll only feel exposed, judged. I know this because when I did long ago that is exactly how I felt. This is my struggle, a part of who I am that I want to change. Food will not enslave me.

Anyway yesterday I did not restrict or binge. It is always somehow easier during the day. At night is the worst. After an attempt at a balanced dinner. Rice, fish and cauliflower. I rummaged through my kitchen looking for a fix. I don’t keep food in my apartment anymore. At least not for now. Until i am a little stronger. Then I stopped. Couldn’t fall asleep. Started drawing. My back hurt. It was so painful. I knew it was all the feelings and anxiety calling out for attention. So instead of numbing it with food I gave it the attention it wanted. I felt lonely. Though i knew I wasn’t alone. Worthless. Wondering why the guys I met who seemed interested in me never wanted to spend more time with me. Was it because I wasn’t pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough? What was it? I then fell asleep listening to music.
I don’t have the answers to those question. I didn’t tell myself that I am better than that or beauty is within me. I just let it be. Too tired to self hate I fell asleep.

I know I have other qualities. Being the thinnest person in the room will not enhance them. My quest and desire for a perfect body is not a solution. I have to learn to be proud of myself sometimes.

A little victory — no binge
Phewww

Dear Dad

Dad left this world about two years ago
He is amongst the angels
Here are words I wish I had said
Everyday I miss him

Good morning Dad
I decided to write letters to you even if you are gone. Let me first confess that I always wanted to write on your birthdays, father’s day, christmas and so many other days while you were alive. I bought cards, just for you. I still have them. Never sent them. Not because I do not love you, simply because we don’t really do that in our family. We never show emotions. When we do, we brush it off. Dismiss it. I have grown accustomed to that. I don’t know how you, mum, and brothers do it. It turns out that I am more emotional than I portray. I kept them in all these years. Sadness, happiness, anger, all kinds of feelings. Suppressed, jammed down, hidden deep down. What do you know. They want out. Always wanted a way out. I realise now that this is one cause of my addiction to food.

Just this morning I thought about flapjacks, starbucks cinnamon rolls and pumpkin spice lattes. Indulging myself, seeking comfort. Using the idea of going to a cafe to write and people watch as an excuse to eat. It’s a cold and grey morning. Truth is I would rather stay in bed than get up and sit at a cafe. I would just to satisfy my addiction. Instead. I stared at my exploding body in the mirror. I didn’t hate it. I missed my old body. The fit, thin one. These thoughts are once again an attempt to escape. When, the fact is that I missed you. My heart wanted to drift away from my brain. Old habits die hard. I learned from the past and instead of giving in. I stayed in my apartment to write this letter. I miss you everyday. It is not the food or the self-hate that creates this disconnection between my body and mind. The real thoughts and feelings were about you not the cakes, cookies or chocolates. They were about How one day you were here, still joking with me. Welcoming me when I arrived home. The next you were weak. So weak and tired. No one even noticed. I did. I mentioned it to Daniel, brother who loves you so much. You died in his arms, I wish they were mine. He said it was the medicine that caused your fatigue. We should not have travelled that day. I wish I listened to my gut feeling and insisted on taking you to the hospital. I cannot turn back time now. Mum says it was your time to go. To leave this world. Even if we took you earlier to the hospital you would have left us anyway. She says what God does is right. We just have to accept it. But did God ever thought about how your absence would be so painful. Dad I miss you. May be mum is right, we all die some day right. I just wish I had gone first if it hurts this much.
Dad I don’t want to binge anymore. I don’t want to abuse my body anymore. It is tired and so is my mind.

I miss you
Love

F for Fat not Fine

Featured

It began at 2 am.
Could not sleep.
First thought Food. Obsession settles in again.
I tried to stay in bed, read, listen to music, watch a movie.
My back hurt from all the anxiety. The only place I felt comfortable was on the floor of my living room wrapped up in a bed cover.
I felt pain, sadness and fear trying to find a way out of me. I could not pin point what caused it.
Felt alone, missed my dad and was worried about people’s criticisms when they see me during my trip home at the end of the month.

Ashamed
20 kg in one month. I only accountable to myself I know. `Right now I feel I failed.
Failed ;myself for bingeing and not finding the willpower to fight it.
I try really hard and end up doing the most random things.
After I curled up on the floor. I went back to my bed and listened to music.
It only relieved the pain temporarily. I felt tears running down my face. What the heck was happening. I had no idea I had so much hurt cocooned inside of me. I just let it be. Laid there crying. Sat there crying. Pathetic? Who cares. I couldn’t careless. I needed those moments last night. Why? I still don’t know.

Staring to escape
Still sleepless. I ended up watching cars drive by my window. I enjoy observing things, people, cars, birds. Staring out there in an empty space. I like the idea that I can see them and they have no clue I am watching. Sounds creepy? I have no intention to hurt. I enjoy because I am sheltered from their thoughts and judgments, real or unreal. I just watch no criticisms or prejudice of whoever passes by. There by my window I stayed. Tears were still running down my cheeks.
I stayed there, as if I found a moment of peace until the urges came back again. It pulled me to a loaf of bread, a chocolate bar.

Exhausted from the fight
I am fighting. Constantly. Sometimes I just want to give up. Right now I do.
I can if I want to but I don’t want to entirely. I don’t want to wasted my life in a centre or begging for help to my family. It will only worsen whatever is happening.

I am not Fine and I feel Fat. I am> Overweight now. I am> trying to be in touch with my feelings. I want > out. I have had enough of Food taking control over my life.
I want out. An ending to this Binge.

Out of my hiding place

Don’t want to hide, lie or suppress feelings anymore.

I want to express myself and learn to communicate.

I am rebelling against who I thought I should be.

Pushing away the real and unreal pressures.

A new person? No. The same being, simply out in the open.

Out of my hiding place. Why? Because I feel better when I assert myself and talk things over with the two most important figures in my life now: my mother and oldest brother. It is as if a load lifts off my shoulder.

 

Lonely Cannoli

Still in Sicily, my trip is coming to its end. I have not made a close friend. But I have learned some valuable lessons. I learned not to expect too much of others. I discovered that standing in front of a menu means: I do not want to eat that plate of pasta with sauce because it will make me fat and when I was fat I felt unloveable because of my physical appearance. My therapist helped me shed some light on this reaction to food. Again it is not all about food.

He asked me if I ever felt rejected by my family or close friends. I could not give him a decent answer. I am sure I have but as always I swallow my emotions when I do not want to deal with them. I am still looking for an answer to that question. I have to because I want to get better.

My last goal at the end of this trip is to have a Sicilian dish. Whether in a social setting with others or by myself. Truth is I wish I had it with a guy I met. It would be nice and I think I would actually enjoy it and find value in eating. But he does not seem interested, or actually he sent signals but he is not making any move. So I will just dream, dream of that possibility. Dream once again.

On my last night, there was a farewell dinner. I was exhausted from our working group, obsessing over I have to eat something Sicilian but how, so I took a nap before the farewell dinner.

I did not pressure myself to go, my only goal is to enjoy food on my last night. Italian food. Why? Because if I don’t I will resent myself and regret. I will regret that all the restriction will make me miss out on my experience. This was the case 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with anorexia. So many times I went to social gathering, restaurants with friends and had nothing to eat. This was no to happen this time. No way !

After my nap, I put on my prettiest dress in my suitcase. Wore heels, put make up on and headed to the farewell dinner. It was outside, dark, a buffet, they had healthy options, fruits, it was crowded. The guy I met was there, he was busy talking to someone else, they others I met and thought had built some sort of friendship were there too. But they were too busy talking to others. Uncomfortable, anxious, disappointed and alone. I had some fruit. Put my plate down. Went to the toilet to try and decide what to do next. Then left, it was too much. Too much that did not go as I had envisaged.

A “good” morning

13 59 p.m

This might be my first ever all around positive post. I will not edit what I am writing because I want to be able to read my “raw” words later.

This morning is one of the few good ones. I went to the gym, had a snack before I went. Something I never do so early in the morning (6 30 am) because I like to eat at my desk. Eating at my desk so my colleagues are aware that I eat. Caring about other people’s thoughts again.

Anyway, I had a boost of energy at the gym, I lifted 60 kg on my own. My personal trainer and I were so filled with positiveness and motivation. Then I made my way to work. Read a verse in the bible as I am trying to communicate with God. After a conversation with my mother that I needed to call upon him through this phase. Truth is since therapy. I have been cold with my faith. But I am going to try and read a little bit more of the bible.

Work has been great the past two days. One of my female colleagues with whom I cannot seem to connect has been absent. The new intern is here. I have been friendly with him. Naturally friendly, not forcing myself to be somebody else and not expecting anything of this new friendship or whatever. Just going with the flow.

Today I went to lunch with a group of interns. I wanted to. I was not forcing myself. I laughed, made jokes, met new people and was comfortable eating my homemade pasta.

I actually felt full at the end of lunch. Now it is the afternoon. If I get this task done I will be so pleased. This was a good morning. I am not expecting anything for this afternoon or evening. I will just follow the waves of my life for the day.