I used to believe that if I was skinny then I would finally feel whole and happy. That I would be loved. Only when I reach perfection then I would deserve to be loved.
I could not be more wrong.
When I turned 27, a year ago, I finally decided to not diet again. My health does not require it even though I am slightly overweight. I want it to happen naturally because when food is my focus I lose sight of life. Food is my drug and unlike other types of drugs, I have to learn to co-exist with it.
So no more diet. No more trendy detox. No more fad diet and not just this summer but forever, I hope. I am healing my relationship with food.
I feel a little sad today and angry. Angry at my mother. She was completely hiatus over easter. I called twice and landed on voicemail. She called me yesterday and said she had been travelling. I understand that but couldn’t you send a text. She is over 70 and I worry. I worry sick about her. I am also angry because once again for the thousandth times my mother is not caring. I know that about her now, still it is difficult to accept. Difficult because it is sad and I feel as if time is running out.
I do my part, I call. Avoid talking about her work, which is her love and obsession. Then I usually hang up the phone with a heavy heart. I wish it could change but it won’t. I have expressed myself to her for my sake but to no avail. People don’t change.
Last night, I did what I wanted. I did not binge or fall into an unhealthy habit. Yet, I knew something was going on. A feeling was there but I wanted to turn away. It was anger and sadness. I don’t like when anger visits because it makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I am mad at my mother for being who she is. I felt guilty until I realised that I am entitled to feel angry. That was this morning. I have been going through this since my arrival on the earth. My mother never expressed her love even when i needed it. That is who she is. I let my anger bottle up and now it wants a way out.
So there you have it. Mother I love you but oh Gosh am I pissed at you !