I used to believe that if I was skinny then I would finally feel whole and happy. That I would be loved. Only when I reach perfection then I would deserve to be loved.
I could not be more wrong.
When I turned 27, a year ago, I finally decided to not diet again. My health does not require it even though I am slightly overweight. I want it to happen naturally because when food is my focus I lose sight of life. Food is my drug and unlike other types of drugs, I have to learn to co-exist with it.
So no more diet. No more trendy detox. No more fad diet and not just this summer but forever, I hope. I am healing my relationship with food.
If only I could tell it to just leave. Leave forever and never come back. Don’t linger here thinking you will get a hold of me again.
This morning I had to get my yearly referral for my psychologist. New GP. So I had to explain my story all over again. Where do I even start? When I was 14/15 bla bla bla bla.
Of course she has my file but I still have to explain. So the waterworks started. Memories are back. Feelings are here. I am 28 now and I still cry when I have to re-open the wound of my eating disorder. Quite frankly, I want it gone. Everyday I struggle. When I make it to bed without having restricted, purged or binged. It is my victory.
Lately there have been more victories. I love that. I love my life and I am liking myself. Hey ! I am not all that bad.
I am here to vent. I need to vent. I need to tell eating disorder voices to go away. Leave ! you have no audience in my head and there is no space left for you in my life.
You all know it is not as simple as that. Even so, today I am victorious again.
Don’t want to hide, lie or suppress feelings anymore.
I want to express myself and learn to communicate.
I am rebelling against who I thought I should be.
Pushing away the real and unreal pressures.
A new person? No. The same being, simply out in the open.
Out of my hiding place. Why? Because I feel better when I assert myself and talk things over with the two most important figures in my life now: my mother and oldest brother. It is as if a load lifts off my shoulder.