If only I could tell it to just leave. Leave forever and never come back. Don’t linger here thinking you will get a hold of me again.
This morning I had to get my yearly referral for my psychologist. New GP. So I had to explain my story all over again. Where do I even start? When I was 14/15 bla bla bla bla.
Of course she has my file but I still have to explain. So the waterworks started. Memories are back. Feelings are here. I am 28 now and I still cry when I have to re-open the wound of my eating disorder. Quite frankly, I want it gone. Everyday I struggle. When I make it to bed without having restricted, purged or binged. It is my victory.
Lately there have been more victories. I love that. I love my life and I am liking myself. Hey ! I am not all that bad.
I am here to vent. I need to vent. I need to tell eating disorder voices to go away. Leave ! you have no audience in my head and there is no space left for you in my life.
You all know it is not as simple as that. Even so, today I am victorious again.
I thought i started the week fine until i binged again last night. Here is post binge attempt at eating and not restricting
I did not have the strength to go through the details until now.
I had two good days.
Sat with my feelings when urges came around. It was a difficult and painful process. Undoubtedly worth it as my eating was in check. Food was simply an essential life accessory. I was not overeating or undereating .
Then I slipped and fell.
I was exhausted from all the self psychoanalysis. Caught in a moment of vulnerability, I binged.
I did not want to sulk in self-pity or shame for the rest of the week. So after overcoming my hesitations and embarrassment, I called my therapist. Seeking a little support, some clarity. We talked things over.
I am trying to focus on picking myself up. I had the willpower and strength before. I can do it again.
Strength ! I shall find you now.
A tiny victory however a few weeks ago I was in a state of constantly numbing myself with food. Completely escaping the responsibilities of dealing with my ghosts.